Second Hand Littering

secondHandLittering

I’m all for small business but putting trash on my mailbox is kind of annoying. Sometimes the wind will catch it and blows the refuse all over the neighborhood yards. If it rains then we have another mess to deal with. I’m not a fan of the zip lock baggy with a rock in it either. If I’m not paying attention and run over it with the lawn mower, the rock becomes a deadly projectile and could shatter a skull or window. I don’t want to deal with broken glass, brain matter and the cost that goes with it.

Actually you are breaking government rules as well. According to Sect. 508.3.1.3 of the Domestic Mail Manual

“No part of a mail receptacle may be used to deliver any matter not bearing postage, including items or matter placed upon, supported by, attached to, hung from, or inserted into a mail receptacle. Any mailable matter not bearing postage and found as described above is subject to the same postage as would be paid if it were carried by mail.”

It reminds me of a Mitch Hedberg joke. “Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, ‘Here—you throw this away.’”

Taking gifts from strangers intended for your kids…

Stuffed

I took my son out for lunch today while the spouse and daughter were getting their hair did. While we were munching on hot dogs a member of our senior community sneaks up on me rather swiftly and asks if my kid can have a stuffed animal. My first question was “What kind of stuffed animal is it?” Since he wasn’t holding one. He replies: “The one that’s out in my trunk.”

Well, putting the words “my child, stuffed animal and trunk” in the same conversation gave me a little boost of anxiety adrenaline. He never made eye contact or bantered about my son or anything. The fact that my son was sizing him up didn’t help his cause either. I politely said “Oh, no thank you, we have too many as it is”. Before I could finish my apology he was off to the next table that contained a child.

There were five other parents who accepted the offer. I being the only one who didn’t. I watched him go out to his trunk while other parents nervously laughed about what was going on. His license plate revealed that he was a veteran, so I felt a little ungrateful at this point. He opened his trunk and proceeded to pull out a large broadsword some Ty beanie babies. He then distributed them to those who accepted, quickly tossing them to the parents then sitting down to his table. Then, I felt confused when he sat down with a ethically diverse, tattooed, pierced and far younger group than himself.

I would like to live in a period of time where this kind of generosity is common place. However, you never know who’s going to put gps tracker, hidden camera, razor blade or needle on the inside of a stuffed animal that is handed to you by a deranged lunatic with an agenda. We have to teach our kids not to talk and or receive gifts from strangers in these kind of awkward situations. Doing so breaks down their guard and a level of protection against strangers. The fact that my son didn’t get upset about it makes me feel justified in my decision.

Understanding Office Buzzwords and Jargon

  • Team Player – He does tons of work for me
  • Play Catchup – I haven’t had time to micro manage you while I’ve been eating lunch and playing golf with clients.
  • Table the Issue – I don’t want to talk about it now, but I’ll take your ideas and implement this behind your back and claim it as my own.
  • Devil’s in the Details – We know you are wrong about this, and somehow we will find a way to blame this on you
  • Play Devil’s Advocate – I’m going to be a jerk and criticize your idea with an obscure situation that will most likely never happen.
  • Putting Out Fires – Cleaning up others mistakes that they’ve shoe-horned into your design.
  • Low Hanging Fruit – What can make your boss look the best before you are mired in grunt work.
  • Win/Win – Boss and customer wins, you however are still the loser.
  • Synergy – what is the best way I can use my employees to lessen my workload
  • Job Security – Looks like long days and working weekends of performing mundane tasks are in your future
  • Participation is encouraged – Required, because I’m taking attendance.
  • Let’s take this offline – You said something in a meeting and you will be chewed out.
  • Work/Family balance – Your family better not get in the way of your job.
  • Quick Question – Do you have a couple hours to spend on this because I’m too lazy to figure it out?
  • Pretty Straight Forward – I didn’t bother to read your document

How to Tell If Someone Doesn't Like a Gift

Here are a few things to look for when someone opens your gift.

  • They look at the tag of who it’s from in preparation for disappointment.
  • The older the gifter is, the likelihood of disappointment of the giftee goes up.
  • Puzzled look on their face once they open it.
  • They look at all sides of the box
  • Open the box all the way and start to investigate to see if there is another present in there you are going to surprise them with.

It is far better to give than receive, because you feel better about giving crappy presents than receiving a terrible one.

How to Use Your Turn Signal

Turn signals on motorized vehicles are no longer needed because they have lost their effectiveness.

Turning to Side street

If you see someone coming while exiting a subdivision, don’t trust their turn signal. You never know when someone forgot to turn it off or accidentally hit it. They can’t hear the audible clicking of the signal because they’re blasting their sub-woofers. You have to wait for them to commit to the turn.

Changing Lanes on Interstate

The only thing a turn signal is good for on the interstate is to let some know to speed up and block you from changing lanes. The only way to change lanes is to swerve and signal half way-through as to avoid a ticket.

Parking

Signalling to park will only invite others to steal the spot from you. Fist-a-cuffs will ensue. Just park far away from the store because exercise is good for you and getting your face broken is not good.

How to Behave at the Beach

Who doesn’t love the beach? Well, I for one really do not care for it. The sand, the sunburn, the people. Anytime people get near water is seems their brain reduces functionality.

Beach Activities

Setup fishing poles in front of other families so that children get caught in the lines and potentially get hooked. Bring games where you throw objects that land onto others beach area causing sand to fly onto them.

Bring Your Pets

Cats love the sand, it’s just one giant litter box. Buried treasure is always fun for kids when they go digging in the sand. Keep a dog tied up to a food filled wagon so he can eat his fill. Let him loose to swim and allow him to take a huge dump  where others children are playing in the water.

Bring some Food

Seagulls love food as much as you do. Once they see that wonderful white bread they will terrorize anyone around. Feed them so that it becomes a problem for other families.

Booze it Up!

Even though the beach is alcohol free, bring your booze inside of a Sonic styrofoam cup or Gatorade bottle. You can still get drunk, obnoxious, and curse at the top of your lungs when your corn hole bag doesn’t hit the target. Don’t forget to blast profane music while your inhibitions are reduced causing you to grind each other on the beach.

With these tips, I’m sure everyone will have a good time at the beach.

Happy Keep your Neighbors up with Fireworks Day!

Fireworks are nice, but not after 11pm, most people are attempting sleep after their ears have been damaged by decibels of destructive detonations. Fireworks are cool at first, but there’s always somebody who bought enough obliterate a small island.

I understand the fourth of July and New Years, but I think people just love the excuse to play demolition expert and terrorize cul-de-sacs and side streets. Here are a few fireworks tips to help you maximize this special day.

  • Wait until it gets dark
  • Put them away at 11pm

Happy Independence Day!

Crock Pot Macaroni and Cheese

In my opinion this is the best Mac and Cheese that you will ever put in your face. Hope you enjoy it.

  • 12oz Elbow Macaroni cooked and drained
  • 2 beaten eggs
  • 1.5 cups of milk
  • 12oz can evaporated milk
  • 1/4 cup melted unsalted butter
  • 1 cup of Colby-jack cheese
  • 1 cup of extra sharp cheddar cheese
  • 1 cup of shredded Parmesan cheese
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon of pepper
  • Mix and cook in crock pot for 1.5 to 2 hours.
  • Serve with crumbled crispy bacon as a topper.

Listed Last on the Carbon Copy

Do you get offended when you are last on the carbon copy (CC) list in an email? Should you be? I think so!

Last on the List

It’s like the person considers you an after thought.  Especially if it’s really good news. For instance if there are free leftovers in the break room and you are overweight, then it’s like they are saying you shouldn’t eat because you are too fat.

First on the List

Being first on the CC list is offensive depending on the subject line of the email. If its about a procedure being violated or a new SOP, then you must be the worst offender or a trouble maker. It’s even worse if you are addressed and everyone else in the department is CC’d. For instance, when a new CIO takes over and he says to you that he doesn’t care if you wear jeans to work. The next day you wear jeans and your manager who doesn’t have this information yet, sends an email, address you solely, but CC’s the rest of the department. However, if it’s good news, such as free leftovers in the break room, then you should feel honored. Unless you are rail thin, which means your coworkers are trying to fatten you up.

Somewhere in between

You want to be nestled somewhere in the middle of the CC list. This usually means you are part of a group email or just on a short list of people who need to know stuff. This also means that you aren’t really that important either, you get lost in the shuffle and you will never get a raise or promotion because you lack initiative and goals. Wow, maybe it’s worse to be in the middle.

Of course all these rules are thrown out if someone uses an alphabetized email distribution list and your last name is Aaberg or Zywiec.

Caring About Child Nutrition

I wouldn’t say that I’m the best at nutrition for myself but I go out of the way to feed my children the best things possible. It’s not that I eat total garbage but I do avoid refined sugar, high fructose corn syrup as much as possible. I’m careful when I read food labels for my kids and this cereal “treat” astounded me on the amount of ingredients I didn’t recognize, let alone could pronounce.

I let my children eat cereal a couple times a week, and they both prefer gluten free Honey-Nut or Cinnamon Chex, helps keep them both very happy during the morning. The other times I’m cooking a hot breakfast for them. We also feed them whole foods and organic as much as possible. People used to make fun of us for doing so, but considering how much natural energy my kids have despite being hopped up on corn sugar, I’ll take that over a malnourished child any day. They can tell the difference between organic milk vs non, and will only drink the former.

Which brings me to my point. How lazy do you have to be to serve a cereal bar for breakfast? Lucky Charms is not something I would put high on the nutrition pyramid let alone in a compacted sugar ration. It’s easy to open a box of cereal, pour the contents into a bowl and add some milk. I’m sure the kids are climbing in the pantry to eat these for breakfast while you are sleeping off your Crystal Light Margarita buzz from the night before.

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