I jumped off the high fructose corn syrup soda wagon back in 1997 when I started the Atkins diet. I endured two weeks without soda during the induction diet. It wasn’t easy because I was drinking a two liter of Pepsi per day. My thirst for Pepsi was so vigorous I didn’t reach for a glass containing ice. I was drinking two liter sodas like a single serving from the corner store.
Aspartame seemed like the perfect solution. I drank a diet soda after the two week hiatus and didn’t notice much of a difference. Well, maybe a few leg cramps every now and again. I thought the cramps were caused by all the weight loss. It wasn’t until I stopped drinking diet soda that I noticed the leg cramps went away. So I drank a diet soda one day and noticed that night I was having the leg cramps once again.
I really enjoy Pepsi Max, but it’s really not worth the pain and suffering. Like clockwork, I drink the Pepsi Max during the day and wake up about 4am clutching a calf muscle charlie horse. It requires me to leap from my bed and place my foot flat on the floor. I swear it takes a whole minute of agonizing pain because the muscle just won’t quit with the freaking out.
I know it shouldn’t bother me but entering a store through the exit is not necessary. Neither is exiting through the entrance.
They have it set up that way for a reason, but it’s impossible to enforce. I’ve seen some Walmart stores (York, SC being one of them) employ the technique of not installing motion sensors on the interior entrance doors and vice versa. Many Home Depot and Lowes stores already control customer traffic properly. Occasionally, you will see some dolt standing in front of the exit until some trips the motion sensor so they travel the path less traveled in that direction. C’mon people, READ!
Whenever you get a kidney stone everyone will emerge from the the sheet rock to give you advice on what caused them, but not how to deal with them. Things like “Time to change your lifestyle, Time to stop drinking soda, Time to jump of a bridge with a millstone around your neck”. Well, I’m here to tell you what works for me and it might work for you as well.
First step: Don’t get kidney stones, they hurt.
If you failed at step one then grab yourself a sixer of Guinness Extra Stout and down one in the parking lot of your nearest grocery store (well, wait until you are at home). The alcohol will help with some of the pain in the urethra and bladder. If you drink enough of it, you won’t even care about the kidney stone, but wait until you are home first. On a side note, why is beer always kept cold in the store, doesn’t that encourage alcoholism?
Next mix up equal parts of olive oil and lemon juice, drink a shot glass full about every fifteen minutes. This will help break up the stone and make it easier to pass. Be sure to drink a ton of water. You will feel tremendous bladder pressure but the beer, olive oil and lemon juice will work it’s magic and bust it up.
However, if you start to urinate pure blood, then seek medical attention.
I can understand that cashiers crave smalltalk, but it’s not a cool to inquire about your customers purchases. While purchasing some Aquaphor the cashier inquired if I recently got a new tattoo. I said “No, I’ve got an outbreak of diarrhea at the house and this is very soothing for rashes.” I didn’t mention that it was for my son, but it made the conversation awkward and end rather quickly. Apparently, Aquaphor is also good for tattoo healing. Good to know.
Other times I’m purchasing ground beef, taco shells and salsa and the cashier chimes in “Looks like it’s taco night!”. The obvious remarks when I’ve purchased a custom birthday cake and they say. “Looks like someone is having a birthday” I simply say. “No my psychotherapist recommends that I purchase a birthday cake for each one of my personalities so that it keeps me out of the hospital”.
Next time I go shopping I think I’ll purchase All Bran with extra fiber, a fleet enema, some food coloring, and a big poster board to see what they say.
When describing an unpleasant experience avoid the phrase “Horror Story”, it sounds too much like “Whore Story”. I prefer the term Nightmare. However, you have to be specific that you aren’t talking about nocturnal horses. Context also helps.
Tonight at dinner my seven year old daughter asked a tough question. “Daddy, I’ve been thinking about the Ten Commandments but wasn’t sure about one of them. What is adultery?” My wife was a bit shocked, and said maybe we could answer that when you get older. However, I thought about a book I read recently and how we should explain things in a context that the audience will understand. I explained it something like this.
Well, let’s say you have some sugar at home. Your sugar is enough to bake any item or create a sweet dessert that you could ever need. Now your neighbor has some sugar as well, but since we have our own, then we wouldn’t need any of theirs. They might offer you sugar, but you would say: “No thanks, I’ve got plenty of sugar at home and this extra sugar would ruin my recipe.” To drive the point home even further I also told her. “Jesus says if you even look at the other sugar and have a desire for it, it’s just as bad as taking the sugar and using it.”
Feel free to use this analogy when discussing this topic with your kids. Also, if they ask “Where do babies come from?” You can say “The Hospital”.
- There are numerous Buy/Sell/Trade Facebook pages where people are trying to rid their home of clutter. Every once and awhile someone will post something for free and it’s a piece of junk. I like to ask for free delivery and give them the address of the local Garbage Dump.
- Chick-Fil-a should update their “My Pleasure” to include other options. It feels forced now, and I don’t believe them.
- People avoiding traffic lights by driving through the gas station parking lot or Dialysis Center.
- A company that asks you to fill out a anonymous survey, yet they know you haven’t completed it.
- Remember how annoying old people were when they forced their brag book upon us? We have Facebook. No waiting to get old!
- People who are way too excited about the Holidays
- Why even bother with a Tarp?
- I wish Apple would come up with a way to record iPhone video and pictures that are at the correct aspect ratio. 99.9% of people do not have a vertical HDTV or monitor.
- People are always saying they are shocked at how fast their kids are growing up. They forget that time is a constant and it’s the same for everyone. Pay more attention.
- Can we upgrade the music in restaurants and grocery stores to a new decade? Perhaps we enter the era of the 90s as apposed to the 80s wretched music.
- The arrows in the parking lots exist because they tell you which way to drive. The reason you’re having such a difficult time parking is because you are going the wrong way.
- To the person who is pretending to not see me exiting from the shopping center onto the main street in heavy traffic, you are a jerk.
- When you hold a door open for someone and they walk in like you were supposed to hold it open.
- When a company repeatedly asks you to partake in an anonymous survey yet they know you haven’t completed it yet.
- As a kid I used to make fun of adults who wore socks and sandals. Now that I’m an adult, kids are wearing socks and sandals. Not just any socks and sandals, but black socks that are over the calf and slides. What am I missing?
- When traveling great distances, you can cover a lot of ground and make good time. However, there will be someone driving 10 miles under the speed limit or there is a wreck when you’re about 20 minutes from the house.
- If you have a treasured possession that you’ve packed away and you own a cat; rest assured that the cat will find said treasured possession and piss all over it months before it’s rediscovered during a move.
- Tax free weekends seem like a great idea! However, retailers will set everything back to MSRP to make up the difference. That’s why I shop at Amazon, plus someone delivers it and I don’t have to worry about people breathing on me.
- If you come to a four way stop and one of the four stop signs is missing, that doesn’t give you the right to blow through the intersection. The stop is still implied by the huge white mark at the intersection.
- If you are trying to sell something online and you offer a very reasonable price, someone will low ball you. If you are giving away something for free no doubt someone will ask for money to take it off your hands and want free delivery.
Camera Comparisons. Them: “Why did you decide to buy that camera?” Me: “Because I liked it” Them: “But there is a better one.” Me: “I know, but I like this one.”
The aggressive DirecTV people who ambush you at Best Buy. It’s enough to make you quit shopping there. Sam’s Club is now allowing this shenanigans, thus why I’m canceling my membership.
The needless sharing of photos on Facebook. If people wanted to find their long lost relative, there are plenty of more expeditious methods than flooding my news feed with your poorly written sign. On a side note. You shouldn’t have to get a million likes so that your children will clean up after themselves. You are the parent, make them do it, or put them up for adoption because you are failing them.
When you unsubscribe from an email list and they send you one more email letting you know that you’ve unsubscribed.
When people pull out from a side street causing you to lock up your brakes and there are no cars behind you.