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Spiders behind the Hamper

Spiders are about the only thing that really creep me out. I guess it has something to do with eight independently moving legs. Once at our house in Nitro, WV I was tossing a towel into the hamper and noticed something squirming in the background. After closer inspection I uncovered a nightmare nest of a mother and about 5 million babies spiders that were alive and kicking.

There was only one way to dispose of this horrid web of terror and I knew the perfect weapon. Since my sister was in the habit of teasing her hair to it’s length to create an afro of curly stickiness, I grabbed a can of aqua net. I then located one of the numberous lighters that ignited Dad’s lung candy. I was fortunate enough not to burn our home down, but I gave them a hurricane of flame broiling that turned them into the crispiest of critters. The cremation ceremony was finalized with a quick flush of the deceased. My family was now safe from a pending arachnid avalanche for whoever emptied the hamper.

Pit Stains and Cakes

There was transitional period when I was 17 where I couldn’t find an anti-perspiration that would stop the river of briny fluid flowing from my pits. I tried several brands from Speed Stick, Right Guard, Old Spice, Degree to whatever Dad was using. I finally found Arrid XX about mid-way through my Junior year of high school.

At one point I can remember the sweat rings becoming so large they would reach the ends of my shirt bottoms and halfway to my back. If I was sitting at a certain angle, I could feel the sweat drip and roll down the side of my torso. Before I found Arrid I would apply so much product that it would start to build little cakes in the armpit portion of my shirt. It would dry and make that part of the shirt brittle. No amount of washing could fix it.

Red River Express

I remember one of the worst beatings as a child is when I accidentally hit my sister under the eye with a Lincoln Log. A neighbor kid and I built two barricades and were throwing logs at each other across the room. My sister decided to join in. She joined his team, but before the fight became unfair she popped up from behind a box as I was flinging a log towards his bulbous bowl cut head. After that I don’t remember much. Just a red river of blood streaming from my sisters face and what felt like a tornado of leather belts tanning my hide.

Second runner up would be the time I shot my grandmother in the face with a cork gun as she entered the door coming over for a visit.

I Remember…

One time my Dad brought home a whole bunch of smokeless tobacco from work. I stuffed a whole can in my cheek. A few minutes later I could barely walk and fell to the ground. The trees started to spin and I felt like someone dumped a bucket of ice water on my head. I walked back into the house where everyone said I looked like I saw a ghost. I then proceeded to the bathroom where I puked up 3 servings of tuna helper.


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