Archive | July 2011

Crowding the Gate

You must take up at least as many seats as bags you are bringing

Saving a Seat at Church

I can understand if you are saving a seat for your spouse, or visiting family members. Other than that, are we still in elementary school? It’s like saying, I really don’t want to get to know anyone new. I have my friends and I want to keep it that way. What’s worse is when someone else asks the same question as you are walking away and they say, “No, go head and sit down”. Ouch…

I really don’t know what else to say, except, I’ll save you a seat in heaven, if I see you there.

Guide to Tipping

I’ve changed my strategy over the years, but I do not subscribe to automatic tipping. 20% is the max and it goes down from there.

10% Deductions

  • If the waiter attempts to show off and not write your order down and either gets
    the order wrong or has to come back to verify the order.
  • If your food has hair(s) in it, deduct extra dollar for coarse curly hair(s)
  • If the silverware is not clean
  • Your salads arrive a minute after your appetizer
  • Then your meals arrive a minute later.
  • Another dollar if you still have no silverware.
  • If you touch any of us.

2% Deductions

  • If the waiter gets your drink order wrong
  • If the waiter brings your change in a bunch of small bills without you asking
  • Waiter asks if you want change, no matter the bill denomination
  • You have to ask for your change
  • If your change is greater than the you should get. (a bit presumptuous are we?)
  • If your waiter comes back twice within a minute asking if you are ready to order.
  • Your table has leftovers from last meal encrusted on the table.
  • When you order water and they never refill it. (I’m cheap, but I’m still thirsty)


  • For each minute your drink is empty
  • If waiter asks _how you guys doing_ when you have your mouth full.
  • Ask if we “saved room” for dessert after we requested for a takeout box.
  • If the color of the ink for signing the bill is other than blue or black
  • You ask for Malt Vinegar and you get Red Wine Vinegar.

100% (yes, I will ask you for money or a free meal)

  • Spill something on me or my family.
  • Drop food while carrying it to the table and put it back on the plate.
  • Sneeze on our food in front of us.
  • Use a smart a$$ response while we order.
  • Curse and Complain about the restaurant or your boss within earshot of my kids.

Extra Credit

  • Smile
  • Waiter doesn’t write down the order and gets it correct in every way
  • Recommend something that you’ve actually eaten there.
  • Act like you enjoy your job
  • Remember our names

I know being a waiter is a tough job. I’m guessing, because I dislike tough jobs, so I’ve never been a waiter. You have to put up with jerks and picky eaters and people who don’t tip well regardless of great service. Don’t work there just because it pays well, do something you enjoy. If you hate being a waiter, go find something else to do so that you don’t ruin the restaurants reputation.  The customer isn’t always right, I know that first hand. Customers are stupid and unreasonable and sometimes need a free side order of batter fried crumbs with their long john silvers fish planks. Is that so much to ask?

What kind of things cause you to reconsider your tips?

Hostile at the Hampton

Things probably could have went horribly wrong at my recent stay at a Hampton Inn. There was a traveling baseball team, who pretty much devoured all the food at breakfast if you didn’t wake up in time. I’m guessing one of the coaches or older brothers was having a bit too much to drink late one evening and starting hollering at me as I entered the snack area.

Him: “Who do you play for?!”

I made a quick pivot towards the direction of the yelling. My natural reaction which isn’t usually the best, but it didn’t seem to back him down at all. He walked towards me getting in my face, the vapor trail of alcohol soon followed.

Him: “Do you play for Bartlett?”
Me: “What?”
Him: You cool with Justin Timberlake and all that S#!t”?
Me: “I don’t even know what you are trying to ask me.”
Him: “Someone stole my M…’ lunch today…”
Me: “They have a good breakfast here, hope you enjoy it”
He kept talking while I walked away…

I looked for a bluetooth earpiece, or maybe he was so drunk that he was about to pass out. Who knows…

Toys R Not Us

Tried to stop by Toys R Us and pick up the tikes mobile for my son. Picked up the box, walked to the front and this is where the insanity begins.

Me: “I saw this at for 10 dollars less, can I get that price?”
Them: “No, we don’t price match”
Me: “You don’t price match yourself”
Them “No sir”
Me: “Ok, let me use my iPhone to order it online and pick up in store, You know how ridiculous this is right?”
Them: “I don’t make the policy”
Me: “Should I carry this over to Customer Service, because that’s where I’ll need to pick it up.”
Them: “I’ll carry it for you”

I enter my info, pick my store, and guess what, it’s out of stock!

Me: “I’m holding the product, and yet it’s out of stock at your store.”
Them: “Yes sir, when it’s the last one, it’s out of stock”
Me: “You know how ridiculous this is right”.
Them: “I don’t make the policy”
Me: “So I can’t buy this for the online price, even though it’s in stock here.”
Them: “I don’t make the policy”
Me: “Well, I guess you will lose $40 instead of only $10, I’ll just pay $1 more from”
Them: “I don’t make the policy”

I would like to know who failed Marketing and Economics and made these policies.


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