Helping other shoppers…

Organised

You know the old rule: don’t wear red to Target and don’t were blue to Best Buy. It’s even worse if you wear tan pants with your polo. I was shopping during my lunch break while also wearing my I.D badge. I was stopped twice for assistance. At this point you have two options: Tell them you don’t work there, or try to help them out anyway, such as…

  • Direct them to isles that don’t exist
  • Recommend certain “personal” items, and explain you’re using as we speak.
  • Lead them around the store, searching for items that don’t belong, like looking for grape nuts in the camping section
  • Recommend the wrong TV shows for kids, like getting Dexter confused with Dexter’s Labratory
  • Rummage through their cart and say things like, “Wow, I thought this was recalled”
  • Offer unwarranted advice like: “Seems like you should be looking for the prescription strength deodorant or some age defying make-up”
  • Offer to check in the back stockroom, and never return.

As a general rule I do help people who ask. More often than not the people who are working in the store really don’t care to be there. It’s not their “dream job” so they are just passing time until their lunch break or time to go home. No job is insignificant, we can choose to do it happily and help others or we can just go home and wallow in our misery and continue to make others hate us and purchase things online from robots. Your choice…

Proper method of using a hallway.

DSC03494

It’s not that difficult, and I hate to make a big deal about it, but seriously people do not know how to walk down a hallway. It basically follows the same rule as driving on a road (America) but there is no way to enforce it. Here’s the way I do it.

Choose the right path

Walk down the hallway on the right hand side. Follow the same rule of traffic. Don’t walk down the left side, or walk down the middle, it’s just plain idiotic.

Door Frames

If you see a door frame, slow down a bit. More times than not, people exit rooms without looking, so take a bit of precaution.

Navigating Corners

  1. If you are turning right, make a tight right. Stick to your side of the hallway. You don’t have to look like a robot when you are turning the corner, but stay in the general area
  2. If you are turning left, make a wide left and continue towards the right side of that hallway. Hopefully the other person is following #1. If not you will smack into them. If you are following the rules, don’t apologize, it’s their fault.

Water Fountains

Not wise to stop at them. Do you know how many people have touched those water fountains? Fountains are usually near rest rooms, so with the low percentages of people who wash their hands, just skip it.

Other tips

You can’t see where you are going if you are looking at a phone or device. Complaining about your or reading about someone elses miserable life can wait until you get to your destination.

Diet Soda and Leg Cramps

I jumped off the high fructose corn syrup soda wagon back in 1997 when I started the Atkins diet. I endured two weeks without soda during the induction diet. It wasn’t easy because I was drinking a two liter of Pepsi per day. My thirst for Pepsi was so vigorous I didn’t reach for a glass containing ice. I was drinking two liter sodas like a single serving from the corner store.

Aspartame seemed like the perfect solution. I drank a diet soda after the two week hiatus and didn’t notice much of a difference. Well, maybe a few leg cramps every now and again. I thought the cramps were caused by all the weight loss. It wasn’t until I stopped drinking diet soda that I noticed the leg cramps went away. So I drank a diet soda one day and noticed that night I was having the leg cramps once again.

I really enjoy Pepsi Max, but it’s really not worth the pain and suffering. Like clockwork, I drink the Pepsi Max during the day and wake up about 4am clutching a calf muscle charlie horse. It requires me to leap from my bed and place my foot flat on the floor. I swear it takes a whole minute of agonizing pain because the muscle just won’t quit with the freaking out.

Proper way to enter a grocery store?

I know it shouldn’t bother me but entering a store through the exit is not necessary. Neither is exiting through the entrance.

They have it set up that way for a reason, but it’s impossible to enforce. I’ve seen some Walmart stores (York, SC being one of them) employ the technique of not installing motion sensors on the interior entrance doors and vice versa. Many Home Depot and Lowes stores already control customer traffic properly. Occasionally, you will see some dolt standing in front of the exit until some trips the motion sensor so they  travel the path less traveled in that direction. C’mon people, READ!

How to deal with kidney stones

guinnessWhenever you get a kidney stone everyone will emerge from the the sheet rock to give you advice on what caused them, but not how to deal with them. Things like “Time to change your lifestyle, Time to stop drinking soda, Time to jump of a bridge with a millstone around your neck”. Well, I’m here to tell you what works for me and it might work for you as well.

First step: Don’t get kidney stones, they hurt.

If you failed at step one then grab yourself a sixer of Guinness Extra Stout and down one in the parking lot of your nearest grocery store (well, wait until you are at home). The alcohol will help with some of the pain in the urethra and bladder. If you drink enough of it, you won’t even care about the kidney stone, but wait until you are home first. On a side note, why is beer always kept cold in the store, doesn’t that encourage alcoholism?

Next mix up equal parts of olive oil and lemon juice, drink a shot glass full about every fifteen minutes. This will help break up the stone and make it easier to pass. Be sure to drink a ton of water. You will feel tremendous bladder pressure but the beer, olive oil and lemon juice will work it’s magic and bust it up.

However, if you start to urinate pure blood, then seek medical attention.

Cashiers who comment on your purchases…

I can understand that cashiers crave smalltalk, but it’s not a cool to inquire about your customers purchases. While purchasing some Aquaphor the cashier inquired if I recently got a new tattoo. I said “No, I’ve got an outbreak of diarrhea at the house and this is very soothing for rashes.” I didn’t mention that it was for my son, but it made the conversation awkward and end rather quickly. Apparently, Aquaphor is also good for tattoo healing. Good to know.

Other times I’m purchasing ground beef, taco shells and salsa and the cashier chimes in “Looks like it’s taco night!”. The obvious remarks when I’ve purchased a custom birthday cake and they say. “Looks like someone is having a birthday” I simply say. “No my psychotherapist recommends that I purchase a birthday cake for each one of my personalities so that it keeps me out of the hospital”.

Next time I go shopping I think I’ll purchase All Bran with extra fiber, a fleet enema, some food coloring, and a big poster board to see what they say.

That’s a really great Whore Story

When describing an unpleasant experience avoid the phrase “Horror Story”, it sounds too much like “Whore Story”. I prefer the term Nightmare. However, you have to be specific that you aren’t talking about nocturnal horses. Context also helps.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 248 other followers

%d bloggers like this: