How to Use Your Turn Signal

Turn signals on motorized vehicles are no longer needed because they have lost their effectiveness.

Turning to Side street

If you see someone coming while exiting a subdivision, don’t trust their turn signal. You never know when someone forgot to turn it off or accidentally hit it. They can’t hear the audible clicking of the signal because they’re blasting their sub-woofers. You have to wait for them to commit to the turn.

Changing Lanes on Interstate

The only thing a turn signal is good for on the interstate is to let some know to speed up and block you from changing lanes. The only way to change lanes is to swerve and signal half way-through as to avoid a ticket.

Parking

Signalling to park will only invite others to steal the spot from you. Fist-a-cuffs will ensue. Just park far away from the store because exercise is good for you and getting your face broken is not good.

Making the Most of Airline Seats

Airline seats are designed for someone who is 5 foot tall and weigh about 100 pounds. However, there are ways to make the most of your confined seat time.

Sit in the wrong seat, when someone shows their ticket with your seat number, say the airline must have double booked. When they ask to see your ticket, get defensive and say that you know how to read. Once you see that your seat row and letter are completely wrong, say that you must have been thinking your connecting flight.

Leave the armrest up and ignore the fact the flight is overbooked and someone is bound to sit beside you. Grumble and fuss with irritated noises when someone comes to claim their seat, especially if you are on the end row.

Recline back as far as possible, and check the recline position every 2 or 3 minutes. Wait until the person behind you begins using their laptop, check to see if your seat will recline further while shoving the tray table into their gut.

When drinks are being served and someone is happily munching on pretzels and sipping ginger ale, check your seat once again causing their refreshments to move about the cabin.

No Tomatoes Please

When you order your burger and ask for no tomatoes, and they give them to you anyway, take the mayonnaise covered tomatoes off the burger and sling them on the order counter and say, I didn’t order these.

Crosswalk Misconceptions and Button Mashing

People have been confused for decades about the real meaning of the crosswalk signals. The red hand doesn’t mean stop, it’s waving at you, telling you it’s safe to cross! The other signal is a chalk outline of a dead guy informing that you will perish if you try to cross.

I’ve always heard those crosswalk buttons don’t have anything to do with the traffic signals. Crosswalk buttons are installed because pushing a button will give a sense of control before you’re flattened by a city bus you didn’t see because you were too busy checking your blackberry. There have been several occasions where people crossed in front of my car and told me to stop with their raised hand. I had no idea they had the right of way to cross a busy intersection while I had a green light. I finally get it, I’ve had these crosswalk signals mixed up all along!

Getting Directions in Atlanta

I received a Tomtom for Christmas and it comes in handy, unless you are inside a parking garage. You have to exit the garage and start heading in some direction until it finds a signal and tells you to make a left when you are in the far right lane. So it’s best to know what general direction you need to go beforehand. It never fails, to save time, Tomtom will guide you through the seedy parts of town where lots of neon signs flash inappropriateness and offer beverages of intoxicating benefits.

However if your navigation devices fails you, there are plenty of people downtown if need directions. Sometimes you have to wake them up by throwing coins at them. However, all directions are useless. “Yeah, just take Peachtree until you reach Peachtree and make a left on Peachtree, Then you will reach to the intersection of Peachtree and Peachtree. Then follow Peachtree until you reach your destination”.

Gender Confusion at the Gas Station

On our way back from a long trip we stopped at a gas station to use the toilets. I noticed a line of ladies had formed outside the bathrooms. As I approached the men’s room a woman walked out and another one entered without hesitation.

Me: “Are we having some gender confusion here ladies?”

Random Lady: “Women have babies so we get to use your bathrooms”

Me: “Men get kicked in the testicles, so we can use your bathrooms?”

Disney World Crowd Navigation

If you want to know what navigating a zombie apocalypse will feel like, just visit a disney theme park when it’s crowded. One thing I’ve learned is to look down at your smartphone and play on it while walking through the crowd. People will move.

Crowding the Gate

You must take up at least as many seats as bags you are bringing

Feces dripping?

What is more comforting to know that you can have fecal matter dripping on you. Oh wait, how about finding human turds in the next parking space over?