How to Behave at a Urinal

Urinals are great, they allow a expedited transaction almost anywhere. However, there are a few important things to keep in mind to make everything go smoothly.

• Look toward the ground when approaching the urinals (especially if other are urinating)
• No eye contact, look at the wall in front of you. Some places have TVs!
• Make sure you get all the pee into the urinal, no one likes to slip and slide on your misfires
• Don’t spit your chewing gum into the urinal, remember someone has to clean that out.
• Do not make conversation.
• Do not vomit into the Urinal
• Do not defecate into the Urinal
• If it’s a manual model, only execute a flush if the content color is that of water collected in a rusty bucket. “Save a flush”

I would say wash your hands but sometime your man-parts are cleaner than the wash station at some restrooms. Just remember to use the hand sanitizer when you get back to your car, or use the one you carry in your holster.

What is the filthiest thing in the bathroom?

I vote for whatever this thing is. What is the purpose? To help you tear the toilet paper off the roll? How much trouble are people having if they can’t tear toilet paper?

I doubt this thing ever gets cleaned and is constantly caressed by poop fingers. I guess the flush handle is really the nastiest item in the bathroom. If you don’t clean it everyday, you will now. You’re welcome.

Cleaning Up Vomit

I don’t puke that easily, so cleaning up my kids vomit is not an issue. It’s weird, it’s like God gives you an anti-upchuck receptors for you own children.

However, on the rare occasion, once I smell my own own stomach contents the upchuck flows effortlessly. While I’m down there commode hugging, if I haven’t cleaned the toilet recently, it moves matters forward as well. The worst case is when I was staying with my Granny in Nitro when I was about 10 years old. I was sleeping on a cot in the dining room and woke up yelling vomit into my pillow and it splashing all over my face and overflowing into the floor. It just kept flowing and woke everyone up in the house. It had to be the butter flavored Crisco popcorn and Cool Ranch Doritos having an argument on who gets the last bite of overcooked fried chicken.