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My Life is Way Better than Yours

It doesn’t take long for someone to come out of the woodwork to grandstand. It doesn’t matter what the topic, subject or item. They have something better and will be quick to criticize.  It could be something you have or don’t have. It could also be a comparison of why theirs is better.

Children

Whatever your child has done, their child has done it earlier, with more precision or was funnier than yours.

Technology

If someone has a superior item they will be quick to point out the shortcomings of yours. If they don’t have a superior item they will say you overpaid or wasted your money on features you will never use.

Vehicles

Showing off your new vehicle will induce questions about why you didn’t purchase the competitors model which has far better features that will prevent your loved ones from dying a tragic death in an automobile accident.

Project

You’ve spent hours working on that special project that you’re ready to show off to the world. You have that friend that will point out the flaws and say things like. “Oh, I see you took a few shortcuts and the easy way, here look at my project this is how you should have done it.”

Of course there’s always the “Must Be Nice” person who throws a veiled insult of why you shouldn’t have anything they don’t have.

How to deal with this?

Stop trying to show off and brag. Let other people notice your work, don’t show it off and expect admiration and affirmation. If someone offers up unwanted criticism or advice explain to them that you appreciate their spirit in wanting to help and let them know the next time you start a project or need some advice. Try to do that with as little sarcasm as possible.

Purina One Healthy Metabolism Review

<Picture of Cat Diarrhea Not Shown>

There have been many advancements in the cat food industry since the days of giant bags of dried up meat stars that chipped cat’s teeth with a painful sound as if they were eating river pebbles. Now we have refrigerated food at Target and pet fountains for the home. Since when did we start caring about giving our animals organic food and filtered water? Case in point, we bough one of those fancy recirculating water dishes that keeps the water from stagnating. However, as soon as the cat goes outside he sprints for the any diseased pocket of water on the ground that is the home of countless mosquito babies.

Purina One Healthy Metabolism is touted as being a low-carb solution for fat cats that need to shed some pounds. If you’ve ever been on a low carb diet then you know what happens if you don’t eat enough veggies to go with your meat, you get buckshot. Since cats are carnivores and only eat veggies to help them throw up, POHM has caused my cats defecation to become audible.

One evening I was sitting in my office with the window open when I heard a noise that sounded like a mallard’s quack while being submerged in a bowl of clam chowder. We purchased a new litter box called the Omega Paw Self-Cleaning Litter Box. It’s a nice dome shaped box that basically creates a sub-woofer effect that rockets the sound in a focused direction. We had to switch back to a senior formula and limit his portions. We were at the point of just putting his food dish outside of the litterbox so he can stick his head out to eat while he was constantly defecating.

But on a sadder note, it seems as this cat food has either caused or highlighted a intestinal problems. The cat is now on a high fiber diet with a pro-biotic.

Second Hand Littering

secondHandLittering

I’m all for small business but putting trash on my mailbox is kind of annoying. Sometimes the wind will catch it and blows the refuse all over the neighborhood yards. If it rains then we have another mess to deal with. I’m not a fan of the zip lock baggy with a rock in it either. If I’m not paying attention and run over it with the lawn mower, the rock becomes a deadly projectile and could shatter a skull or window. I don’t want to deal with broken glass, brain matter and the cost that goes with it.

Actually you are breaking government rules as well. According to Sect. 508.3.1.3 of the Domestic Mail Manual

“No part of a mail receptacle may be used to deliver any matter not bearing postage, including items or matter placed upon, supported by, attached to, hung from, or inserted into a mail receptacle. Any mailable matter not bearing postage and found as described above is subject to the same postage as would be paid if it were carried by mail.”

It reminds me of a Mitch Hedberg joke. “Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, ‘Here—you throw this away.’”

How to Behave at the Beach

Who doesn’t love the beach? Well, I for one really do not care for it. The sand, the sunburn, the people. Anytime people get near water is seems their brain reduces functionality.

Beach Activities

Setup fishing poles in front of other families so that children get caught in the lines and potentially get hooked. Bring games where you throw objects that land onto others beach area causing sand to fly onto them.

Bring Your Pets

Cats love the sand, it’s just one giant litter box. Buried treasure is always fun for kids when they go digging in the sand. Keep a dog tied up to a food filled wagon so he can eat his fill. Let him loose to swim and allow him to take a huge dump  where others children are playing in the water.

Bring some Food

Seagulls love food as much as you do. Once they see that wonderful white bread they will terrorize anyone around. Feed them so that it becomes a problem for other families.

Booze it Up!

Even though the beach is alcohol free, bring your booze inside of a Sonic styrofoam cup or Gatorade bottle. You can still get drunk, obnoxious, and curse at the top of your lungs when your corn hole bag doesn’t hit the target. Don’t forget to blast profane music while your inhibitions are reduced causing you to grind each other on the beach.

With these tips, I’m sure everyone will have a good time at the beach.

How to be a Terrible Host (Overnight Edition)

Everyone has stayed at a friends home and found out what a great or terrible host they are. Some don’t even know it. They think they are more like Newhart when it’s closer to Norman.

Don’t be Home / Don’t Answer the Door

If you are expecting company, simply don’t be there to greet them. This will cause an unsettling feeling in your guest that they’re at the wrong house or have the dates mixed up. You can also invite them to stay and not tell them you are inviting others, and work out a deal with your neighbor so they can sleep there.

Don’t clean your house

Dirt piles in corners, dust bunnies hovering, and diarrhea back splash in the toilet are just a few things that show you don’t care about yourself or your guests. Broken fixtures in the guest bathroom will also build a growing angst in your guests. If you have pets makes sure that when they take a dump or pee in the floor you ignore it. Be sure to store all of your dirty clothes in the guest bathroom too. Dirty dishes piled up that are attracting subterranean creatures will discourage use of the kitchen.

Don’t have any food

Especially food your guest might like. Don’t plan ahead and stockpile the fridge with their favorites. Turn your place into a bed and make your own breakfast. Keep old cereal and just enough milk to cover the bottom of the bowl.

Hide and Go Seek

Make it hard to find towels and washcloths. Keep the good towels in your bathroom so that your half naked guest has to rummage around your hallway linen closet and dry off with discolored hand towels. Keep the toilet paper anywhere but in the guest bathroom so that you cause the current hand towel to become discolored.

Stay up Late

Long after your guests have turned in, keep up your loud antics of yelling at sporting events. Random bursts of laughter from the poker or board game will surely inspire insomnia for the next few hours.

Sleep in

There is nothing quite as awkward as waking up in someone else’s home while they’re still sleeping. It’s like you’ve broken into their home and you’re are trying not to startle them from sleep. They might forget you’ve spent the night, which leads to you being on the receiving end of a buckshot breakfast.

Conclusion

Hopefully your guests didn’t pack their bags and sneak out of your house in the middle of the night because they didn’t get a good shower or a hearty meal and are covered in bugs and dog poop.

What are some of your house warmest feelings and experiences?

The Lighter Side of Alcoholism

My faith is society is slipping to new lows. Behold the diet drink that tastes like an alcoholic beverage! I do enjoy the taste of a margarita when it’s done right, but I can’t imagine settling for this. It’s like a last ditch effort to booze it up during your work day. Have some tequila in a water bottle and some of this and you’re all set for a relaxing workday without anyone being the wiser. Just waiting for Sam Adams to team up with Crystal Light to give us some Boston brewery fresh flavor, or why not partner up with Jack Daniels for some whiskey flavors. The possibilities are endless!

10 Things I miss about Facebook

  1. Reconnecting with old high school friends who I barely knew and share no commonality
  2. Seeing the daily highlight reel of people pretending they’ve got it all together
  3. Constant 1-upsmanship of child braggadocio
  4. Mocking of conservative and Christian values by spoon-fed media consumers.
  5. Updates on the bountiful harvest of digital gardens and architectural progress reports of virtual hobbit holes.
  6. Abortion debates with Molech worshipers
  7. Blocking others from posting to my timeline on my birthday, and putting up a status message “If you really cared, you would send me a card or call me”.
  8. People misquoting scripture and constantly quoting “You shouldn’t judge” when trying to justify their sins.
  9. Watching marriages crumble and people not fight for them, but take bad advice from their single or divorced friends.
  10. The giving away all my personal information for free
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