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How to deal with kidney stones

guinnessWhenever you get a kidney stone everyone will emerge from the the sheet rock to give you advice on what caused them, but not how to deal with them. Things like “Time to change your lifestyle, Time to stop drinking soda, Time to jump of a bridge with a millstone around your neck”. Well, I’m here to tell you what works for me and it might work for you as well.

First step: Don’t get kidney stones, they hurt.

If you failed at step one then grab yourself a sixer of Guinness Extra Stout and down one in the parking lot of your nearest grocery store (well, wait until you are at home). The alcohol will help with some of the pain in the urethra and bladder. If you drink enough of it, you won’t even care about the kidney stone, but wait until you are home first. On a side note, why is beer always kept cold in the store, doesn’t that encourage alcoholism?

Next mix up equal parts of olive oil and lemon juice, drink a shot glass full about every fifteen minutes. This will help break up the stone and make it easier to pass. Be sure to drink a ton of water. You will feel tremendous bladder pressure but the beer, olive oil and lemon juice will work it’s magic and bust it up.

However, if you start to urinate pure blood, then seek medical attention.

Self Checkout Rules and Guidelines

No light items

Items must be heavy enough to register on the scale. Kool-Aid packets are a great example. Purchasing Kool-Aid also shows you make poor decisions, so getting in this line probably reveals this.

Respect the Item Limits

Self Checkout is not for full buggies, crazy couponers or hoarders filling the fallout shelter for the coming apocalypse.

Know the Code

It needs to have a bar code! If you buy produce at least know the item number. If you have to tap your tuber by touch screen, pick a different line.

Items need to fit

Trying to lift a 60″ plasma TV onto the self checkout scanner is obviously not going to work. If the item is too large to fit on the scanner, you have failed us. Call the manager to be escorted from the premises.

Don’t move bags to your buggy

Some robo-scales get angry when you remove items from the bagging area. This only shows you have too many items to be in this line. Everything you purchase should fit in the bagging area.

Debit Cards only

No cash, no checks, no gift cards. I’ve tried (all except the check). Debit cards are great: swipe, enter your pin, grab your bags and receipt. Watching someone smooth out a crinkled dollar and feed it into the money bot orifice, makes me want to fling soup cans at your face.

Giving Praise to Portly People

Stay away from these

  • “Really stepped up to the plate”
  • “They are a big influence in my life”
  • “Always bites off more than they can chew”
  • “Brings a lot to the table”
  • “He left big shoes to fill”
  • “Well rounded person”
  • “That fat-a$$ son of a b!+c# will be missed”

Tips for Chewing Gum

Chewing gum is on my short list as one of the worst things ever invented. Here is a short guide to maximize everyone’s enjoyment of your gum chewing

  • Chew with your mouth open like a cat eating peanut butter
  • Pop it against the roof of your mouth
  • Blow bubbles then suck them in to make a sound like a vacuum cleaner picking up a plastic shopping bag.
  • Place enough gum in your mouth as to hinder speech
  • When you get back in your car, roll down the window and toss out your gum so it gets nice and hot and someone will step in it as soon as they park and get out.
  • If someone asks for a piece of gum, always say you’re chewing your last piece, refer to the first item on the list to show them how it’s done

Hope this helps

Navigating a Crowd

I read this article that talks about not running into people by keeping your eyes on your destination. Well, I guess that would work for me not running into people, but it wouldn’t stop them from bouncing off me. The problem is, other people don’t know where they are going half the time. They aren’t paying much attention so if I’m not looking out for them, I will knock them over. I try to be considerate and move through a crowd rather than just broad shouldering everyone and knocking them to the floor. Maybe I should try this and see how many people get hurt.

Guide to Tipping

I’ve changed my strategy over the years, but I do not subscribe to automatic tipping. 20% is the max and it goes down from there.

10% Deductions

  • If the waiter attempts to show off and not write your order down and either gets
    the order wrong or has to come back to verify the order.
  • If your food has hair(s) in it, deduct extra dollar for coarse curly hair(s)
  • If the silverware is not clean
  • Your salads arrive a minute after your appetizer
  • Then your meals arrive a minute later.
  • Another dollar if you still have no silverware.
  • If you touch any of us.

2% Deductions

  • If the waiter gets your drink order wrong
  • If the waiter brings your change in a bunch of small bills without you asking
  • Waiter asks if you want change, no matter the bill denomination
  • You have to ask for your change
  • If your change is greater than the you should get. (a bit presumptuous are we?)
  • If your waiter comes back twice within a minute asking if you are ready to order.
  • Your table has leftovers from last meal encrusted on the table.
  • When you order water and they never refill it. (I’m cheap, but I’m still thirsty)

1%

  • For each minute your drink is empty
  • If waiter asks _how you guys doing_ when you have your mouth full.
  • Ask if we “saved room” for dessert after we requested for a takeout box.
  • If the color of the ink for signing the bill is other than blue or black
  • You ask for Malt Vinegar and you get Red Wine Vinegar.

100% (yes, I will ask you for money or a free meal)

  • Spill something on me or my family.
  • Drop food while carrying it to the table and put it back on the plate.
  • Sneeze on our food in front of us.
  • Use a smart a$$ response while we order.
  • Curse and Complain about the restaurant or your boss within earshot of my kids.

Extra Credit

  • Smile
  • Waiter doesn’t write down the order and gets it correct in every way
  • Recommend something that you’ve actually eaten there.
  • Act like you enjoy your job
  • Remember our names

I know being a waiter is a tough job. I’m guessing, because I dislike tough jobs, so I’ve never been a waiter. You have to put up with jerks and picky eaters and people who don’t tip well regardless of great service. Don’t work there just because it pays well, do something you enjoy. If you hate being a waiter, go find something else to do so that you don’t ruin the restaurants reputation.  The customer isn’t always right, I know that first hand. Customers are stupid and unreasonable and sometimes need a free side order of batter fried crumbs with their long john silvers fish planks. Is that so much to ask?

What kind of things cause you to reconsider your tips?

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