You're allowed to call someone Stupid when…

We normally don’t use the word “stupid” as part of our family vocabulary, but there was an incident when I told my kids it was allowed. I took my kids out to Chick-Fil-A one evening. As we were exiting the building we were almost flattened by a lady in a van talking on her cell-phone. Here’s why she is stupid…

You are driving in a crowded parking lot at a high rate of speed where many families eat dinner. You are talking on your cell phone while driving at a high rate of speed while there are children already walking in the parking lot. When I have to stop my kids forward progress because you are oblivious to anyone but yourself and the person you are talking to on your outdated cell phone with a car charger that has a curly pig tail cord then you are stupid.

I yelled loud enough for her to hear me, I don’t think it registered because she glanced back with a stern look, like I did something wrong. I pray that our civilization will survive.

Crosswalk Misconceptions and Button Mashing

People have been confused for decades about the real meaning of the crosswalk signals. The red hand doesn’t mean stop, it’s waving at you, telling you it’s safe to cross! The other signal is a chalk outline of a dead guy informing that you will perish if you try to cross.

I’ve always heard those crosswalk buttons don’t have anything to do with the traffic signals. Crosswalk buttons are installed because pushing a button will give a sense of control before you’re flattened by a city bus you didn’t see because you were too busy checking your blackberry. There have been several occasions where people crossed in front of my car and told me to stop with their raised hand. I had no idea they had the right of way to cross a busy intersection while I had a green light. I finally get it, I’ve had these crosswalk signals mixed up all along!

Almost home…

It never fails, you’ve been on the road for hours upon hours. You’ve tried to hold your urine as long as possible because you want to make it home without using another filthy gas station toilet. Last twenty minutes or so before you reach your destination, a car darts out in front of you. There was clearly no one behind you for 30 miles, but they felt this was the best chance they had to enter the roadway. This causes your brake pads to become one with the rotors as it sends your leftover Popeye’s chicken crumbs flying on the dashboard.

They are in no hurry either! They cautiously slow down at every side street just in case there is someone dumb enough to pull out in front of them. By now you can feel the bladder distension and infection forming from all the Pepsi max and Revv coffee that has been brewing in there all day. You then realize this person in front of you lives just down the street and you will be following them all they way to your house. Time to look for one of those empty Pepsi max bottles….

Miss your turn? Here's what to do…

Today we were minding our beez on the return from one of our numerous errands. We noticed that traffic came to a complete stop for no reason. There was not an intersection, no driveway, no nothing at all! Well, apparently two older fellows had missed the turn for the apartment homes that one of them resided. The solution? Stop in the middle of the road causing everyone to lock it up and produce skid marks in a possible two locations. One guy got out and crossed the street to go back home. No need to turn around or pull off onto the next side street. Just stop and drop, problem solved!

How to behave at a Traffic Light

• There is a white line indicating where you should stop at a red light. That is not for you, but for the car behind you. Get your whole car into the intersection!
• If you’re the first car, now is a good time to check your smartphone and catch up on text messaging. This will allow you to miss when the light turns green causing the person behind you to beat their steering wheel until their hands are a bloody pulp.
• If you’re second in line, watch the perpendicular light as it progresses towards it’s tertiary state. At the split second before the light ignites green, honk your horn mercilessly! If a response is not obtained in no less than nanosecond, start beating your hands on the wheel until they are a bloody pulp.
• If you are trying to make a left turn and there is no leading green, gun it through the intersection before the other driver has a chance to start.
• If you are trying to make a left turn and the light is about to turn yellow, get out in the intersection! Attempt to clip the oncoming cars rear bumper as your final act of aggression.
• If you need to make a right and there is one car in front of you, use the sidewalk or grassy area.
• If you are arriving to a 4-way stop and another car is approaching, it doesn’t matter where the white line is. It matters who stops first. One car could be at the white line, but if you have about 50 feet before you get to the white line and you stop first. Go! It’s your turn!

Running Over Kids in the Street

I’ve got a plan for my neighborhood, hopefully it will work. I live on a stretch of road that doubles for a drag strip. I constantly yell at people as they drive by with no effect. What I want to do is construct a pulley system that I can string between my house and the one across the street. When a car comes flying by, I can pull down on my side and a child mannequin will fling out in front of the car smashing into their windshield. Inside the mannequin it will be filled with ketchup so that it cracks and makes a mess. Hopefully it will learn them a lesson they won’t soon forget. Or maybe it would be easier to roll a basketball out in the road, might be awkward trying to obtain a child mannequin.

Clowns will eat you…

..if you litter. I never really understand the concept of littering. I think a half-way intelligent person knows that you don’t throw garbage on the ground or out of your car window. In my years of driving I’ve seen lots of littering. Styrofoam cups of drink out a car window. Bags of McDonalds food with flying fries following after. I’ve seen bags of garbage fall out of the back of pickup trucks and burst open on the road. How can the driver not notice that? I guess they don’t check their rear mirrors every 8 seconds.

I’m guilty of tossing chewed fingernails, or an occasional booger out the window, but that stuff is bio degradable and not visible to the driver behind you. Unless your booger catches the airstream just right and sticks to the windshield of the car behind you. I’ve had people hock loogies out of the car in front of me and it hit my front window. Not cool,  if you hit the wipers and are out of fluid. You end up smearing lung butter all over your glass.

Cat Lover?

Sometimes, it’s obvious who doesn’t have kids.

Sometimes I Miss My Truck

I don’t remember getting cursed at by other drivers as much when I had my Chevy Silverado. There is an intimidation factor when driving a truck. I guess it depends on the type of truck you own too. You can still yell at people who drive stock Nissan Frontiers or Toyota Tachomas. However, that rule is thrown out the bigger the truck tires are or how high the little truck is jacked up. Also camouflage paint, exposed primer or dents with rust. Visible and stocked gun racks also negate that rule.

What I don’t miss about the truck is the gas mileage and the size of the tank on fill-ups. Since I work from home mostly that wouldn’t be such an issue considering my current car requires premium fuel. Since my wife wants to eventually own a pull behind camper, a truck is in the future.

Getting Directions in Atlanta

I received a Tomtom for Christmas and it comes in handy, unless you are inside a parking garage. You have to exit the garage and start heading in some direction until it finds a signal and tells you to make a left when you are in the far right lane. So it’s best to know what general direction you need to go beforehand. It never fails, to save time, Tomtom will guide you through the seedy parts of town where lots of neon signs flash inappropriateness and offer beverages of intoxicating benefits.

However if your navigation devices fails you, there are plenty of people downtown if need directions. Sometimes you have to wake them up by throwing coins at them. However, all directions are useless. “Yeah, just take Peachtree until you reach Peachtree and make a left on Peachtree, Then you will reach to the intersection of Peachtree and Peachtree. Then follow Peachtree until you reach your destination”.