Archive | Anxiety RSS for this section

Revv Pulse Plus Pounding Panic

I drank two of these in one day. They are no joke. Woke up with in the middle of the night with a severe panic attack. I swear the ghosts of Ethiopian Goat Herders were trying to harvest my internal organs. Use with caution. You will see things you can’t explain and feel your heartbeat in your fingertips.

Selection anxiety with Coca-Cola Freestyle

I’ve had the chance to use the Coca-Cola Freestyle and I love the options but it’s not worth the anxiety attack. Once you get to the front of the line you are inundated with a plethora of options for configuring your beverage. As you are pushing buttons a line begins to form with anxious patrons with lids half cocked waiting to fill their containers with carbonated corn syrup and artificial flavoring

I’m all for consumer options but this machine basically causes a traffic jam. I’ve even seen these in airports, a place where there is enough traffic. I am a bit disappointed that there’s no button for an extra shot of caffeine, which would turbo charge any beverage selection. This would also be a great product placement for a Xanax button for a shot of relaxation. This would ease the anxiety about the 5 people in line waiting to stab you in the orbital socket with a bendy straw.

Spiders behind the Hamper

Spiders are about the only thing that really creep me out. I guess it has something to do with eight independently moving legs. Once at our house in Nitro, WV I was tossing a towel into the hamper and noticed something squirming in the background. After closer inspection I uncovered a nightmare nest of a mother and about 5 million babies spiders that were alive and kicking.

There was only one way to dispose of this horrid web of terror and I knew the perfect weapon. Since my sister was in the habit of teasing her hair to it’s length to create an afro of curly stickiness, I grabbed a can of aqua net. I then located one of the numberous lighters that ignited Dad’s lung candy. I was fortunate enough not to burn our home down, but I gave them a hurricane of flame broiling that turned them into the crispiest of critters. The cremation ceremony was finalized with a quick flush of the deceased. My family was now safe from a pending arachnid avalanche for whoever emptied the hamper.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 248 other followers

%d bloggers like this: