Archive | July 2012

How to Use Your Turn Signal

Turn signals on motorized vehicles are no longer needed because they have lost their effectiveness.

Turning to Side street

If you see someone coming while exiting a subdivision, don’t trust their turn signal. You never know when someone forgot to turn it off or accidentally hit it. They can’t hear the audible clicking of the signal because they’re blasting their sub-woofers. You have to wait for them to commit to the turn.

Changing Lanes on Interstate

The only thing a turn signal is good for on the interstate is to let some know to speed up and block you from changing lanes. The only way to change lanes is to swerve and signal half way-through as to avoid a ticket.

Parking

Signalling to park will only invite others to steal the spot from you. Fist-a-cuffs will ensue. Just park far away from the store because exercise is good for you and getting your face broken is not good.

How to Behave at the Beach

Who doesn’t love the beach? Well, I for one really do not care for it. The sand, the sunburn, the people. Anytime people get near water is seems their brain reduces functionality.

Beach Activities

Setup fishing poles in front of other families so that children get caught in the lines and potentially get hooked. Bring games where you throw objects that land onto others beach area causing sand to fly onto them.

Bring Your Pets

Cats love the sand, it’s just one giant litter box. Buried treasure is always fun for kids when they go digging in the sand. Keep a dog tied up to a food filled wagon so he can eat his fill. Let him loose to swim and allow him to take a huge dump¬† where others children are playing in the water.

Bring some Food

Seagulls love food as much as you do. Once they see that wonderful white bread they will terrorize anyone around. Feed them so that it becomes a problem for other families.

Booze it Up!

Even though the beach is alcohol free, bring your booze inside of a Sonic styrofoam cup or Gatorade bottle. You can still get drunk, obnoxious, and curse at the top of your lungs when your corn hole bag doesn’t hit the target. Don’t forget to blast profane music while your inhibitions are reduced causing you to grind each other on the beach.

With these tips, I’m sure everyone will have a good time at the beach.

How to be a Terrible Host (Overnight Edition)

Everyone has stayed at a friends home and found out what a great or terrible host they are. Some don’t even know it. They think they are more like Newhart when it’s closer to Norman.

Don’t be Home / Don’t Answer the Door

If you are expecting company, simply don’t be there to greet them. This will cause an unsettling feeling in your guest that they’re at the wrong house or have the dates mixed up. You can also invite them to stay and not tell them you are inviting others, and work out a deal with your neighbor so they can sleep there.

Don’t clean your house

Dirt piles in corners, dust bunnies hovering, and diarrhea back splash in the toilet are just a few things that show you don’t care about yourself or your guests. Broken fixtures in the guest bathroom will also build a growing angst in your guests. If you have pets makes sure that when they take a dump or pee in the floor you ignore it. Be sure to store all of your dirty clothes in the guest bathroom too. Dirty dishes piled up that are attracting subterranean creatures will discourage use of the kitchen.

Don’t have any food

Especially food your guest might like. Don’t plan ahead and stockpile the fridge with their favorites. Turn your place into a bed and make your own breakfast. Keep old cereal and just enough milk to cover the bottom of the bowl.

Hide and Go Seek

Make it hard to find towels and washcloths. Keep the good towels in your bathroom so that your half naked guest has to rummage around your hallway linen closet and dry off with discolored hand towels. Keep the toilet paper anywhere but in the guest bathroom so that you cause the current hand towel to become discolored.

Stay up Late

Long after your guests have turned in, keep up your loud antics of yelling at sporting events. Random bursts of laughter from the poker or board game will surely inspire insomnia for the next few hours.

Sleep in

There is nothing quite as awkward as waking up in someone else’s home while they’re still sleeping. It’s like you’ve broken into their home and you’re are trying not to startle them from sleep. They might forget you’ve spent the night, which leads to you being on the receiving end of a buckshot breakfast.

Conclusion

Hopefully your guests didn’t pack their bags and sneak out of your house in the middle of the night because they didn’t get a good shower or a hearty meal and are covered in bugs and dog poop.

What are some of your house warmest feelings and experiences?

Happy Keep your Neighbors up with Fireworks Day!

Fireworks are nice, but not after 11pm, most people are attempting sleep after their ears have been damaged by decibels of destructive detonations. Fireworks are cool at first, but there’s always somebody who bought enough obliterate a small island.

I understand the fourth of July and New Years, but I think people just love the excuse to play demolition expert and terrorize cul-de-sacs and side streets. Here are a few fireworks tips to help you maximize this special day.

  • Wait until it gets dark
  • Put them away at 11pm

Happy Independence Day!

Crock Pot Macaroni and Cheese

In my opinion this is the best Mac and Cheese that you will ever put in your face. Hope you enjoy it.

  • 12oz Elbow Macaroni cooked and drained
  • 2 beaten eggs
  • 1.5 cups of milk
  • 12oz can evaporated milk
  • 1/4 cup melted unsalted butter
  • 1 cup of Colby-jack cheese
  • 1 cup of extra sharp cheddar cheese
  • 1 cup of shredded Parmesan cheese
  • 1 teaspoon of salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon of pepper
  • Mix and cook in crock pot for 1.5 to 2 hours.
  • Serve with crumbled crispy bacon as a topper.

Listed Last on the Carbon Copy

Do you get offended when you are last on the carbon copy (CC) list in an email? Should you be? I think so!

Last on the List

It’s like the person considers you an after thought.¬† Especially if it’s really good news. For instance if there are free leftovers in the break room and you are overweight, then it’s like they are saying you shouldn’t eat because you are too fat.

First on the List

Being first on the CC list is offensive depending on the subject line of the email. If its about a procedure being violated or a new SOP, then you must be the worst offender or a trouble maker. It’s even worse if you are addressed and everyone else in the department is CC’d. For instance, when a new CIO takes over and he says to you that he doesn’t care if you wear jeans to work. The next day you wear jeans and your manager who doesn’t have this information yet, sends an email, address you solely, but CC’s the rest of the department. However, if it’s good news, such as free leftovers in the break room, then you should feel honored. Unless you are rail thin, which means your coworkers are trying to fatten you up.

Somewhere in between

You want to be nestled somewhere in the middle of the CC list. This usually means you are part of a group email or just on a short list of people who need to know stuff. This also means that you aren’t really that important either, you get lost in the shuffle and you will never get a raise or promotion because you lack initiative and goals. Wow, maybe it’s worse to be in the middle.

Of course all these rules are thrown out if someone uses an alphabetized email distribution list and your last name is Aaberg or Zywiec.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 245 other followers

%d bloggers like this: