Archive | May 2012

Tattoos and Mental Illness

I don’t have any tattoos, nor do I want any. However, I don’t care if other people have tattoos, to a degree. If I have to explain to my children why you have marked all over yourself and it’s not OK for them to draw on their sibling with a magic marker then there will be issues. I’m wondering if there is a correlation between number of tattoos and mental illness. One tattoo is cool, but there is something sinister lurking in your mind when you have covered your entire body and you don’t require a bathing suit anymore. I understand self expression and rebellion but like anyone who has an addiction there is a cry for help after about tattoo #50.

One year at the beach I decided to get a henna tattoo for the sole purpose of shock value for my Mother and Grandmother. They both were so upsetĀ  that I felt bad for even trying it. Sad thing is my Grandmother passed away a month later.

Giving Praise to Portly People

Stay away from these

  • “Really stepped up to the plate”
  • “They are a big influence in my life”
  • “Always bites off more than they can chew”
  • “Brings a lot to the table”
  • “He left big shoes to fill”
  • “Well rounded person”
  • “That fat-a$$ son of a b!+c# will be missed”

Dog Owners are Pet Parents?

It cracks me up that people can really compare owning a pet to raising children. Are we really concerned about organic dog food and oven baked low fat snacks when they eat their own feces? I can’t believe I actually saw medication for a dogs joint health.

I guess the line between pet parent is being blurred with how we treat our children. We now have kids on leashes at public malls. What’s next, let them eat off the floor, put them in a kennel at night, and let them crap in the yard?

Sleeping Like a Baby?

I don’t understand why people are always saying. “Ah, I slept like a baby last night”. I don’t consider waking up every 2 and half hours and pooping in my sleep a good night.

Beard Benefit Banter

Benefits of having a mustache.

  • Sweat filtering
  • Helps mask your stank breath
  • Makes drinking from a 20oz bottle easier (not forming such a tight seal)

There are also a few drawbacks of shaving all your facial hair

  • Your small children will wonder who you are
  • Your wife will laugh hysterically for 10 minutes at your weird face and tell you to grow it back
  • Gauges how much weight you’ve gained by discovering new chins
  • All the food you miss doesn’t get caught in your beard, falls in your lap

check out

No Tomatoes Please

When you order your burger and ask for no tomatoes, and they give them to you anyway, take the mayonnaise covered tomatoes off the burger and sling them on the order counter and say, I didn’t order these.

How to end a conversation

Some people just don’t know when to quit talking. There are few things you can do to ease the conversation to an end.

  • Play with your smart phone
  • Start making eye contact with other people as they walk by with “Help me” eyes
  • If you see a person with said “Help me” eyes, call them on their phone and save them.
  • Have children under the age of 5
  • Start asking really personal questions
  • Start talking about Jesus

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