Archive | May 2012

Tattoos and Mental Illness

I don’t have any tattoos, nor do I want any. However, I don’t care if other people have tattoos, to a degree. If I have to explain to my children why you have marked all over yourself and it’s not OK for them to draw on their sibling with a magic marker then there will be issues. I’m wondering if there is a correlation between number of tattoos and mental illness. One tattoo is cool, but there is something sinister lurking in your mind when you have covered your entire body and you don’t require a bathing suit anymore. I understand self expression and rebellion but like anyone who has an addiction there is a cry for help after about tattoo #50.

One year at the beach I decided to get a henna tattoo for the sole purpose of shock value for my Mother and Grandmother. They both were so upset  that I felt bad for even trying it. Sad thing is my Grandmother passed away a month later.

Giving Praise to Portly People

Stay away from these

  • “Really stepped up to the plate”
  • “They are a big influence in my life”
  • “Always bites off more than they can chew”
  • “Brings a lot to the table”
  • “He left big shoes to fill”
  • “Well rounded person”
  • “That fat-a$$ son of a b!+c# will be missed”

Dog Owners are Pet Parents?

It cracks me up that people can really compare owning a pet to raising children. Are we really concerned about organic dog food and oven baked low fat snacks when they eat their own feces? I can’t believe I actually saw medication for a dogs joint health.

I guess the line between pet parent is being blurred with how we treat our children. We now have kids on leashes at public malls. What’s next, let them eat off the floor, put them in a kennel at night, and let them crap in the yard?

Sleeping Like a Baby?

I don’t understand why people are always saying. “Ah, I slept like a baby last night”. I don’t consider waking up every 2 and half hours and pooping in my sleep a good night.

Beard Benefit Banter

Benefits of having a mustache.

  • Sweat filtering
  • Helps mask your stank breath
  • Makes drinking from a 20oz bottle easier (not forming such a tight seal)

There are also a few drawbacks of shaving all your facial hair

  • Your small children will wonder who you are
  • Your wife will laugh hysterically for 10 minutes at your weird face and tell you to grow it back
  • Gauges how much weight you’ve gained by discovering new chins
  • All the food you miss doesn’t get caught in your beard, falls in your lap

check out Beards.org

No Tomatoes Please

When you order your burger and ask for no tomatoes, and they give them to you anyway, take the mayonnaise covered tomatoes off the burger and sling them on the order counter and say, I didn’t order these.

How to end a conversation

Some people just don’t know when to quit talking. There are few things you can do to ease the conversation to an end.

  • Play with your smart phone
  • Start making eye contact with other people as they walk by with “Help me” eyes
  • If you see a person with said “Help me” eyes, call them on their phone and save them.
  • Have children under the age of 5
  • Start asking really personal questions
  • Start talking about Jesus

Drinking, Driving, and Voting

Currently, we allow driving at 16, voting at 18 and drinking at 21. I propose to move these ages to 18 for driving, keep drinking at 21 and move the voting age to 25 and here’s why.

No one in their right mind should let a 16 year old drive a car. Cars today are too easy to drive while having too many distractions such as texting or eating bowls of cereal on the way to school. Kids also where driving cars playing Grand Theft Auto and Burnout Paradise, so they’ve probably picked up a few other bad habits. If they must drive, let it be a vehicle with manual transmission, roll down windows, and no air conditioning. I enjoyed driving at 16, but really didn’t know what I was doing. I found myself driving as if there was a cinder block attached to my foot and not looking before I crossed railroad tracks. More on that in a future post.

18 is way too young to vote. Kids barely have the discernment skills and judgement to drive a car, so why let them drive to the polls and elect government officials based on what they’ve learned from The Daily Show, Facebook friends, or liberal college professors? There is no such things as liberal parents, that’s got to be a myth. (see below)

Drinking at 21 should remain the same. People ignore this anyway. There needs to be a 4 year buffer zone between fascination with alcohol and voting rights. How can you trust a person who chooses natural or bud light over a craft beer.¬† Sadly, some individuals never graduate from this phase. Either that or they progress to whiskey and don’t care about anything but whiskey.

Voting should be moved up to 25 years old. Society seems to mark this milestone age as where you begin making good decisions. Insurance companies recognize this by dropping your rates. Geez, even the government wants parental insurance coverage until 26 because they don’t think you can find a job and support yourself. By this time, most people have bought a house, tied the knot of matrimony and started producing children. At this point most people have achieved personal responsibility. They will want a limited government that doesn’t tell them what to do. They will want a free market to choose the products they desire. They have the liberty to make their own decisions without a government mandate. See, no such thing as a liberal parent! It’s just common sense, that’s all.

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