Archive | April 2012

How to Behave at a Urinal

Urinals are great, they allow a expedited transaction almost anywhere. However, there are a few important things to keep in mind to make everything go smoothly.

  • Look toward the ground when approaching the urinals (especially if other are urinating)
  • No eye contact, look at the wall in front of you. Some places have TVs!
  • Make sure you get all the pee into the urinal, no one likes to slip and slide on your misfires
  • Don’t spit your chewing gum into the urinal, remember someone has to clean that out.
  • Do not make conversation.
  • Do not vomit into the Urinal
  • Do not defecate into the Urinal
  • If it’s a manual model, only execute a flush if the content color is that of water collected in a rusty bucket. “Save a flush”

I would say wash your hands but sometime your man-parts are cleaner than the wash station at some restrooms. Just remember to use the hand sanitizer when you get back to your car, or use the one you carry in your holster.

Wal-Mart Shopping Carts

I think Wal-mart is the only company that doesn’t maintain their shopping carts. They’ve come up with a trick that will encourage you to endure the punishment of wobbly wheels for the shopping duration. The trick is they cover the solarium with a bunch of uneven stone tiles. You won’t notice the wheels are busted until you’ve been been distracted by a Wal-Mart elder and the lure of cheap candy, bananas and detergent before hitting the smooth surfaces. They figure that you’ve traveled all this distance from the corral and you won’t walk back to get another. You might risk offending the elder and get scolded: “Well, back in my day, we had to strap saddle bags on a mule when we wanted Doritos from the General store, I think that buggy will do you just fine sonny boy”.

Costco has the best shopping carts, it’s really the only thing that I miss about them. That and the huge refrigerated section where they kept all the lettuce, I wish I could get my home office that cold.

Sometimes you get lucky and there aren’t many buggies in the corral at Wal-Mart.  This gives you a bit of smooth surface to do a little test run to see if all the wheels are straight. I’m sure Wal Mart will catch on to this, and extend the rough tiles into the buggy corral. It’s really only a matter of time before Wal-Mart becomes just a rough uneven terrain of shopping on dirt floors. Then you won’t notice there are no wheels on the buggy at all.

What is the worst thing you've smelled?

I’ve got a pretty sensitive nose and I’ve always smelled everything since I was a kid. Have no idea why but whenever I pick something up no matter what it is I smell it.
Smell is also linked to memory somehow, so I guess that’s why I have a good memory.

Here are a few top choices for worst smelling things

  • The back of my ear after I forget to wash there for a few days (take your index finger swab the length of the back of your ear and try it)
  • A black head that you can’t reach on your back that has been growing without your knowledge until your wife wants to dig it out with a pair of tweezers.
  • A sippy cup of milk that has been under the seat for months until the stink escapes the one-way valve.
  • I used to own a toy called a Stink Blaster, fun to play with at work, had to keep it in a zip lock bag in the garage.

I know one smell that is supposed to smell good is leather. However, I now have a bad memory association with the smell of leather. Back in 10th grade my biology lab partner who would wear a leather jacket and forcefully belch up his stomach aromas at the desk. It always smelled horrible of course. So now when I pass a Wilson’s leather store at the outlet mall, I can also smell the school salad bar and whatever meat product they were serving that day. Thanks Mike!

Probably the worst thing I’ve ever smelled is when I got home from school one day in Nitro WV. As soon as I got out of the car it hit me like a sack of soiled diapers that had been setting out on the beach during the summer months. We finally traced down the source. Apparently there was a dead cow on the hillside and it was half way decomposed and apparently exploded.

The Yin and Yang of Everyday Life

yin: A drink of ice cold water after brushing your teeth with a minty toothpaste
yang: remembering that the cup you were using wasn’t rinsed after soaking your puresleep device

yin: Eating any flavor of Doritos that being with “Cool Ranch”
yang: Breaking a Dorito off at the gum line between your tooth

yin: Enjoying a chocolate ice cream cone after a satisfying meal on your luxury cruise vacation.
yang: Sitting on the toilet with it because you don’t have any room left after your sixth satisfying meal of the day.

yin: Enjoying both deviled and picked eggs at Easter dinner
yang: Turning the car ride home into a gas chamber and trying not to play egg drop.

Flippy friggin' flip flops

It’s that time of the year again! Well actually, to some people, the time never left. Flip flops are not meant to be worn anywhere but poolside or the beach. As a matter of fact, you really shouldn’t be driving in flops. People are bad enough at controlling their vehicles, let alone with some dangling footwear. So, change into your flops when you get to the pool or beach.

In Public

Why take chances that your little piggy that went to market will be crushed by a wayward buggy or a can of spinach falling from an end-cap.

Take good care of your feet if you are going to expose them to all of humanity. A festering, infected, ingrown toenail doesn’t need a flip flop, it needs a doctor, especially if I can smell it.

Why is it that people who wear flip flops barely have the energy to lift their feet from the ground and shuffle around like patient who just had a double hernia operation? I guess that’s better than the natural sound a flip flop makes. Couple that with someone who knows how to chew gum and you have a one man band of flappy clappy snappy annoyance.

Flip Flop Relatives

I don’t understand the house shoe or “slipper’ out in public. You know what I’m talking about, the slipper that has transformed into a slide because the person has mashed the heel because inserting the foot completely into the slipper was such a arduous task.

The finger shoes don’t make sense to me. “It’s like walking barefoot!” I’m pretty sure humans invented the shoe because we got tired of walking barefoot, stop trying to devolve.

Closing

In this crazy world we live in, you never know when something will burst into flames and shards of glass will be covering the floor. You should always be sure footed, laced up and ready to help those who’s feet are lacerated because they didn’t want to spend the extra time putting on proper footwear.

Tips for Chewing Gum

Chewing gum is on my short list as one of the worst things ever invented. Here is a short guide to maximize everyone’s enjoyment of your gum chewing

  • Chew with your mouth open like a cat eating peanut butter
  • Pop it against the roof of your mouth
  • Blow bubbles then suck them in to make a sound like a vacuum cleaner picking up a plastic shopping bag.
  • Place enough gum in your mouth as to hinder speech
  • When you get back in your car, roll down the window and toss out your gum so it gets nice and hot and someone will step in it as soon as they park and get out.
  • If someone asks for a piece of gum, always say you’re chewing your last piece, refer to the first item on the list to show them how it’s done

Hope this helps

Clowns eating children

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I think one of the major problems with clowns is the white face paint. The clowns teeth are never as white as the face paint so it highlights the yellow stains of the teeth. This will then make you think of how many children the clown has eaten that day…

God and Cheetos

Got behind a lady at Walmart buying one of those teeny tiny bags of Cheetos. Of course she had a gift card and wanted to check the balance, then decide not to use it. Then pull out a wad of bills only to decide to use exact change. But wait, there’s more, she had to get her employee discount card for the teeny tiny bag of Cheetos. Finally, it was time for the cashier to go home, so I had to wait for the change over. God I know that you have taught me patience, because I didn’t throw my 12 pack of Pepsi at this lady. Thank you Lord.

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