Archive | January 2012

Sometimes I Miss My Truck

I don’t remember getting cursed at by other drivers as much when I had my Chevy Silverado. There is an intimidation factor when driving a truck. I guess it depends on the type of truck you own too. You can still yell at people who drive stock Nissan Frontiers or Toyota Tachomas. However, that rule is thrown out the bigger the truck tires are or how high the little truck is jacked up. Also camouflage paint, exposed primer or dents with rust. Visible and stocked gun racks also negate that rule.

What I don’t miss about the truck is the gas mileage and the size of the tank on fill-ups. Since I work from home mostly that wouldn’t be such an issue considering my current car requires premium fuel. Since my wife wants to eventually own a pull behind camper, a truck is in the future.

Marriage Lessons from Tony Chachere's

When Robin and I were first married, I thought it would be nice to slowly introduce her to some of the food I enjoyed when I lived in Mobile, AL. Once night I prepared Red Beans and Rice with cornbread. I went all out and bought two boxes of Tony Chachere’s from the local Food Lion. Well after a few bites in she decided it was too spicy, and plus I forgot about her terrible acid reflux.

So what now? I had a huge pot of red beans and rice that I didn’t want to waste all that Cajun goodness. Well, I suffered through and consumed red beans and rice for every meal for the next few days until it was gone. Let me tell you, re-hydrated red beans are probably the most gassy. At first I thought all the farting was hilarious! But after a full day of constant farts every 5 to 10 minutes and gut wrenching gas that felt like someone was using an air compressor to inflate my large intestine, my pucker muscle was fatigued. I just wanted it to stop and so did my wife. I was starting to leave permanent odors on my office chair from trying to hold them in. I didn’t want to kill any of the office plants or cause workman’s comp cases for my co-workers. Some lessons you learn the hard way.

Words with Friends Etiquette

I enjoy playing words with friends, even with those people who use words and I’m about 99% confident they don’t know the meaning.

  1. Let the other person win sometimes, so they will keep playing with you
  2. Skip first rule if it’s your sister
  3. Don’t resign a match if you are losing.
  4. Well, if you are losing by more than 300 points. Forget rule #3, time to move on
  5. If it stays it plays, but please look up the word and learn it’s meaning.
  6. Play your turn even if you don’t have to take a dump, aka Words with Feces
  7. Keep it clean, no sense in using such foul nastiness. Even the game knows the limits.

Spiders behind the Hamper

Spiders are about the only thing that really creep me out. I guess it has something to do with eight independently moving legs. Once at our house in Nitro, WV I was tossing a towel into the hamper and noticed something squirming in the background. After closer inspection I uncovered a nightmare nest of a mother and about 5 million babies spiders that were alive and kicking.

There was only one way to dispose of this horrid web of terror and I knew the perfect weapon. Since my sister was in the habit of teasing her hair to it’s length to create an afro of curly stickiness, I grabbed a can of aqua net. I then located one of the numberous lighters that ignited Dad’s lung candy. I was fortunate enough not to burn our home down, but I gave them a hurricane of flame broiling that turned them into the crispiest of critters. The cremation ceremony was finalized with a quick flush of the deceased. My family was now safe from a pending arachnid avalanche for whoever emptied the hamper.

The Healing Power of Long John Silvers

There is no question that Fish and Chips is one my favorite meals. Whenever traveling I always look for a good basket of authentic old country goodness.

I think it all stems back to my childhood when I was having my double hernia operation. The doctors wouldn’t release me from the hospital until I stopped throwing up. It was due to the hospital food being quite terrible and bland. One evening, it seemed as if a super hero entered my room with a long flowing cape. Under that cape was Fish and Chips from Long John Silvers. Nothing that I remember has ever tasted so delicious. Needless to say the next meal that the hospital placed before me stayed down with no problem. Turns out, my stomach was missing an essential layer of grease that would help the bland food stick to my innards. I was released thanks to the healing power of Long John Silvers!

Don't Do #2

Especially if you didn’t do #1

What is the filthiest thing in the bathroom?

I vote for whatever this thing is. What is the purpose? To help you tear the toilet paper off the roll? How much trouble are people having if they can’t tear toilet paper?

I doubt this thing ever gets cleaned and is constantly caressed by poop fingers. I guess the flush handle is really the nastiest item in the bathroom. If you don’t clean it everyday, you will now. You’re welcome.

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