Archive | January 2012

Sometimes I Miss My Truck

I don’t remember getting cursed at by other drivers as much when I had my Chevy Silverado. There is an intimidation factor when driving a truck. I guess it depends on the type of truck you own too. You can still yell at people who drive stock Nissan Frontiers or Toyota Tachomas. However, that rule is thrown out the bigger the truck tires are or how high the little truck is jacked up. Also camouflage paint, exposed primer or dents with rust. Visible and stocked gun racks also negate that rule.

What I don’t miss about the truck is the gas mileage and the size of the tank on fill-ups. Since I work from home mostly that wouldn’t be such an issue considering my current car requires premium fuel. Since my wife wants to eventually own a pull behind camper, a truck is in the future.

Marriage Lessons from Tony Chachere's

When Robin and I were first married, I thought it would be nice to slowly introduce her to some of the food I enjoyed when I lived in Mobile, AL. Once night I prepared Red Beans and Rice with cornbread. I went all out and bought two boxes of Tony Chachere’s from the local Food Lion. Well after a few bites in she decided it was too spicy, and plus I forgot about her terrible acid reflux.

So what now? I had a huge pot of red beans and rice that I didn’t want to waste all that Cajun goodness. Well, I suffered through and consumed red beans and rice for every meal for the next few days until it was gone. Let me tell you, re-hydrated red beans are probably the most gassy. At first I thought all the farting was hilarious! But after a full day of constant farts every 5 to 10 minutes and gut wrenching gas that felt like someone was using an air compressor to inflate my large intestine, my pucker muscle was fatigued. I just wanted it to stop and so did my wife. I was starting to leave permanent odors on my office chair from trying to hold them in. I didn’t want to kill any of the office plants or cause workman’s comp cases for my co-workers. Some lessons you learn the hard way.

Words with Friends Etiquette

I enjoy playing words with friends, even with those people who use words and I’m about 99% confident they don’t know the meaning.

  1. Let the other person win sometimes, so they will keep playing with you
  2. Skip first rule if it’s your sister
  3. Don’t resign a match if you are losing.
  4. Well, if you are losing by more than 300 points. Forget rule #3, time to move on
  5. If it stays it plays, but please look up the word and learn it’s meaning.
  6. Play your turn even if you don’t have to take a dump, aka Words with Feces
  7. Keep it clean, no sense in using such foul nastiness. Even the game knows the limits.

Spiders behind the Hamper

Spiders are about the only thing that really creep me out. I guess it has something to do with eight independently moving legs. Once at our house in Nitro, WV I was tossing a towel into the hamper and noticed something squirming in the background. After closer inspection I uncovered a nightmare nest of a mother and about 5 million babies spiders that were alive and kicking.

There was only one way to dispose of this horrid web of terror and I knew the perfect weapon. Since my sister was in the habit of teasing her hair to it’s length to create an afro of curly stickiness, I grabbed a can of aqua net. I then located one of the numberous lighters that ignited Dad’s lung candy. I was fortunate enough not to burn our home down, but I gave them a hurricane of flame broiling that turned them into the crispiest of critters. The cremation ceremony was finalized with a quick flush of the deceased. My family was now safe from a pending arachnid avalanche for whoever emptied the hamper.

The Healing Power of Long John Silvers

There is no question that Fish and Chips is one my favorite meals. Whenever traveling I always look for a good basket of authentic old country goodness.

I think it all stems back to my childhood when I was having my double hernia operation. The doctors wouldn’t release me from the hospital until I stopped throwing up. It was due to the hospital food being quite terrible and bland. One evening, it seemed as if a super hero entered my room with a long flowing cape. Under that cape was Fish and Chips from Long John Silvers. Nothing that I remember has ever tasted so delicious. Needless to say the next meal that the hospital placed before me stayed down with no problem. Turns out, my stomach was missing an essential layer of grease that would help the bland food stick to my innards. I was released thanks to the healing power of Long John Silvers!

Don't Do #2

Especially if you didn’t do #1

What is the filthiest thing in the bathroom?

I vote for whatever this thing is. What is the purpose? To help you tear the toilet paper off the roll? How much trouble are people having if they can’t tear toilet paper?

I doubt this thing ever gets cleaned and is constantly caressed by poop fingers. I guess the flush handle is really the nastiest item in the bathroom. If you don’t clean it everyday, you will now. You’re welcome.

The Hot Frank at Perfectly Franks

So what, I’ve been to Perfectly Franks twice in a week. I knew the restaurant would be a problem because it’s delicious and so close to my house. Last time I took my son on a guys day out for grease and had the Frank Cuda. It was probably the best hot dog I’ve ever eaten. How can you go wrong with homemade chili, blue cheese cole slaw, bacon and crispy onions? Oh yeah, there’s a hot dog hidden in there too.

This time I took the whole family and tried the “Hot” frank. Tabasco grilled onions, jalapeno pimento cheese topped with jalapenos and sport peppers. They have a great menu with just about every hot dog combination you can think about. They even have one that’s made with french toast and eggs. Sounds like a good breakfast. Prices are very fair and portions are generous. If there was prison close by, I’m sure they would get a lot of take out orders for last meals. But then again, I doubt the last thing a death row inmate would want is a hot wiener before they die.

The Hell Burger at Vortex Bar and Grill

I like a restaurant that tells it like it is. If you don’t like something or want something changed on your order you will charged as much as they want, or you can leave. You will find a no nonsense menu that will satisfy your burger craving or send you to the grave with a heart stopper. They have a burger called the Triple Coronary Bypass which is described as cheese and meat tower of Babel.

“Made with two half-pound Vortex sirloin patties stacked inside three grilled cheese sandwiches, topped with two
fried eggs, eight slices of American cheese, ten slices of bacon and plenty of mayo on the side.  With this
burger we choose your side for you, and it’s a big bowl of fries and tots covered in our cheesy-cheese goo.
This super-stack is a heart attack waiting to happen. Enjoy! (No lettuce, tomato or onion)”

I went for the hell burger which contains habanero relish and a roasted jalapeno. It’s one of the only places that caters to the nicotine addicts. Since they enacted a no smoking law in Atlanta, they decided to not allow anyone under 18 in the restaurant. Not that I would bring my family here anyway, I wouldn’t want to explain some of the pictures on the wall. Very friendly wait staff, huge bar and lots of food choices with grease.

Getting Directions in Atlanta

I received a Tomtom for Christmas and it comes in handy, unless you are inside a parking garage. You have to exit the garage and start heading in some direction until it finds a signal and tells you to make a left when you are in the far right lane. So it’s best to know what general direction you need to go beforehand. It never fails, to save time, Tomtom will guide you through the seedy parts of town where lots of neon signs flash inappropriateness and offer beverages of intoxicating benefits.

However if your navigation devices fails you, there are plenty of people downtown if need directions. Sometimes you have to wake them up by throwing coins at them. However, all directions are useless. “Yeah, just take Peachtree until you reach Peachtree and make a left on Peachtree, Then you will reach to the intersection of Peachtree and Peachtree. Then follow Peachtree until you reach your destination”.

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